The “stomach bug”. The dreaded stomach virus. We’ve all suffered through it. You’re never going to feel better. You’re never going to eat. (Fill in the blank) again. Commercials for food come on TV and you cringe, feel nauseous and say “never again”.
Depression feels like that but 1000 times worse. Instead of food, life is something that you don’t want ever again.
The despair, loneliness, and fear grips you to your soul. You can’t imagine EVER getting out of bed again. Forget food, family, life.
You can’t imagine ever being able to overcome the sadness. Loved ones, job, daily activities all seem so very overwhelming. You can’t imagine that there’s ANY light at the end of the tunnel. That’s the worst of it. The absolute very worst.
Slowly, the strength comes from somewhere to begin going through the motions of rejoining life.
But, it’s only going through the motions because the joy, laughter, contentment, all seem so far from your reach. You can’t believe that it will ever return or that you even care.
The motions are for everyone else. So they think you’re ok. You don’t want to scare them. Suicide and “hurting yourself” are words that come into conversation. But, those aren’t options for you. You don’t think in terms of death. You just want the horrible feelings to go away. Sleep is sufficient as long as the thoughts and feelings disappear for the time being. Sleep is the only thing that becomes your goal for the moment. Quiet, numbing, “just leave me alone” sleep.
The worst is over. You’re going through the motions. You converse, you work, you function in social situations. But the joy is still just out of your reach. You know it WILL come back. It has before. When? That’s the question.
The waiting, When will I return? I like the real me. I like my life for the most part. My heart’s just not in it now. I talk to God because I know He’s with me and keeping me from the absolute worst of the worst. I know He’ll get me through this. But for right now, the heart is just not being allowed by the head to be content.